In a world filled with instant gratification, constant reminders of who did what and when that never shut off or go away until I turn away from keyboard and mouse, I get lost. I get lost in the impossible reverberations of every day details from you and I lose myself.
The practical applications of experience, ie; living , seems to be a challenge for me. I get stupefied in a moment of indecision. I become a deer in headlights, unable to move forward or back from the glaring headlights of a moment.
I wish this challenge of living came with a simple set of rules for every situation. In my imagination, I can accomplish anything. I think I can is a popular mantra, right? If only, my creative process could trickle over into my every day. How does one become a person of action? How does one achieve a heart's desire? How does one experience only moments of unending peace and tranquility? How does one avoid the bits of chaos and disorder that bring headlights shining in an empty face? How do I find my peace? What if there is no peace without a wild, wicked, destroying volcano force of change?
Is it wrong to be acclimated to tedium? Where is the joy? If one is supposed to be placid and timid for commonality...for comfort...how does one ever experience knowledge or growth? Why is the world so confusing and bitingly painful?
When I was young, I was sure that the life I led then was as bad as it could get. I empathized with people who endured famine and war. Because I suffered I could relate. I craved ---I hungered for something normal and safe. I believed that by making the right choices, surrounding myself with the right people I could create the right life that would bring me peace.
Where is my peace? Didn't I make enough sacrifices? Didn't I --what? Didn't I cross on the dotted line in my life contract? Where did I place that anyway? Did I forget to get it notarized? Clearly I did something wrong because this life is not exactly what I signed on for. Oh! Life!!! How you are doing me wrong. How cruel you are to me...what? My life my choice? Am I choosing to be miserable? Am I choosing to let someone else's wants and needs dictate my decisions? Well, of course, I am a wife and mother. If I have learned anything over the years, I know that it is NOT all about me. Life seems to be one big compromise after the next. I don't think I even know how to stand up and take my life back without being a bigger asshole than I apparently am.
Where is my peace? Where am I? I'm not quite frozen by fear in the middle of the road. My legs are wobbling--they want to move. I'm still standing there...but dammit, I am ready to flee, I just don't know which direction to go. Safety? Peace? I've never found it. But, I haven't stopped looking either.
