The Loss of You.

I wish I had the words to describe the loss of you. I wish I could stop the tears that show up without warning at the thought of you-the memory of your voice, the sound of your laughter or the feeling of your shoulder bumping mine.

I know things though. I know that each of us is a better person for the time we had you with us. I know that your smile could light up a whole room-a whole family. Your ears were silly and I loved them. I know that we miss you. I know that I felt you leave. I know that we have just suffered through the longest and most painful year of our lives and it feels like only yesterday that the phone rang and you were gone. I know that it will always feel like yesterday.

I don't have the words. I don't have the words to describe the changes that have happened to your mom and your dad. Or your siblings. Or your Aunt.  Or me.



I  wish I could write something coherent and sweet and comforting...but  I don't have it in me yet. I have moments of beautiful thoughts...but when my fingers go to type, they disappear just like you. I wish you had been here for everything 2016 tried to show us-but couldn't BECAUSE FUCK YOU 2016. YOU TOOK OUR BOY.

So yeah, I guess I am a little bit angry. Not with you, my darling...but with the thought of everything you won't get to experience. And I think about you everyday and wish you were here having so many amazing firsts because being young is wonderful...and I feel guilty for my son's firsts, I'm so proud and joyful for him...but sad and mournful too. Because I want all of those things for you. If I never said it, I'm sorry...I'll say it now, You mattered. You matter. And we will never be the same because of you. And that's a good thing-but its also a tragedy.